be still now,
this bare hour of tar centipedes
in waiting boots
take the morning breath
that hangs like chalk dust in december air.
the shudder of night along a cheekbone,
makes familiar turn and cough.
absence is as tasteless as space
wrought as hunger in china stomachs.
who would be whole if filled with glass?
don't worry, you've already lost
ten and twenty and a hundred times.
I like this a lot kate. I like that there's a little more concreteness to latch onto, but also a kind of mystery and surrealism to the images. I like especially: bare hours of tar centipedes; rough as hunger in china stomachs; and the idea of the familiar turning and coughing, being a physical thing. I wonder though, whether the poem gets away from you at the end -- the abstractions don't have quite the strength of the rest of the piece. What if you bring it full circle, back to image? ... Or just think really hard about your intention with those abstractions, so that even if you don't tell the reader too much more than you already have about their significance you're very aware why they're important as you revise.
ReplyDeletealso, why do your blog entires appear to be posted weeks before they appear?
ReplyDelete... do you really only exist in the twilight zone?...
I do back post poems that I don't write, normally. I also back post poems I wrote a long time ago. Often it's just because I want to have another record of the poems (both mine and other peoples) just in case something happened to my computer and I was never ever able to find that one line from that Stephanie Brown poem ever again. Stuff like that. Also because I'm a narcissist and I want my poems to be up at the top of things. DUH.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Molly. You should listen to her.
ReplyDeleteWho would be (w)hole if filled with glass?
ReplyDeleteMaybe I pulled that double entendre out of my ass (currently operating as a storage facility for my struggle with postmodernism) but I dig it lots. Also taste(less) vs. tasteless. Right on, baller.
the glass line is, dare i say ..bitchin...
ReplyDeletefor cereal tho, this is pretty dern cool, i love the way the imperatives give structure to the images, and the images loosen up the imperatives...it feels balanced and sharp (as in like glass, not like a new bowtie)...there are so many great words here..
and they all come at the beginning and the middle and the end of lines...wonderful
i kinda think the opposite of molly -- i think the first part of the poem is weaker. you have extremely strong lines because they're an image per line. but i don't feel the freshness i usual do readin yr pomes -- like for instance morning breath to me isn't too fresh and the image that accompanies it doesn't add much, nor does the word "wrought" which sounds a little out of place within the poem. the shudder of night too, i'm not a big fan of.
ReplyDeleteon the other hand, "who would be whole if filled with glass?" that's strong, that's something i can latch on to because it stands out, and there's a change in tone within the poem that i really enjoy.
i might try and pare down so many similes, it builds up and feels too concentrated.
good stuff, kate!