seriously...you have a gift for ending at the right time with the right pow (or zazz...or snuh) and its all crumpling.
i need to re-read this a few times more to comment on content and stuff, but i might toy with the intro, as "i have never thought you the killing type" has way to much jazz hands for a 3rd line...that might be a good opener, or 2nd clause in the 2nd line.
also, the flow of you,poised,wait/watch my heart is a bit jerky and i wonder why no comma after wait? and maybe lose one of the earlier ones. or maybe a colon? im just typing out loud now... you: or...you -- poised, wait/watch that might feel less abrupt..
I agree, there are some serious flow issues here and lackluster punctuation (shame! shame!). I'd love more comments/suggestions, so whatever you got send it my wayz.
will you write endings for all my poems?
ReplyDeleteseriously...you have a gift for ending at the right time with the right pow (or zazz...or snuh) and its all crumpling.
i need to re-read this a few times more to comment on content and stuff,
but i might toy with the intro, as "i have never thought you the killing type" has way to much jazz hands for a 3rd line...that might be a good opener, or 2nd clause in the 2nd line.
also, the flow of you,poised,wait/watch my heart
is a bit jerky and i wonder why no comma after wait? and maybe lose one of the earlier ones. or maybe a colon? im just typing out loud now...
you: or...you -- poised, wait/watch
that might feel less abrupt..
anyway...good start
--nazi coal
I agree, there are some serious flow issues here and lackluster punctuation (shame! shame!). I'd love more comments/suggestions, so whatever you got send it my wayz.
ReplyDeletewerd.
--semen stench.